| So I just read the most discomforting blog entry about someone and his life. In a way, I just want to be able to slap him back to how he used to be, how everything used to be. There's no way he can be feeling this...about life, and more so, himself. He always had this way where he looked at the stars, told me his plans of his amazing life, and let no one get in his way. What DID happen to him? He most definately is not the man I fell in love with a few years ago. And it makes me sad, because there was a fire about him that made me want to live my life better. Not for him, but because his passion inspired me for my own. In all honesty, I want him to be the happiest person on Earth, because he deserves it. It disappoints that me he's fallen in to this "rut" he's describing. I know he'll get out of it. He will. He is going to be amazing. Everyone will know his name, just like he dreamed. He needs to go back to the way he thought about life, the way he reacted to it. He needs to love life again. He needs to remember who he is. Then he'll have the most amazing life anyone could dream of...and that's what he should have. Even if I'm not in it anymore. Not even in his thoughts or memories. 
It's amazing how you can/could have felt so much for one person, but are sure they don't even think about you anymore. It's almost like a waste of emotion towards them, but not, because there's nothing in the world that could make you want to take back how you felt when they loved you too. No matter how long ago it happened, you remember it like yesterday. Not even that much...but just a few hours. The only reason you don't let go is because you're holding on to the small hope that one day, they'll think about you again, too. I want you to know that I miss you.
**This is Your Song. I hope you don't mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is now that you're in the world. My life is getting much, much better. Everything in general. I finally got my tattoo dedicated to my Great Aunt and James. My parents and I are getting along great. I have someone very special to me in my life and he makes me happier than I have been in a very long time. And my friends are the greatest, always supporting me. Especially with something I told a few of my closest friends, they have been for me in ways I couldn't even have imagined. I've been realizing I'm too nice. People are walking all over me. People are telling me what to do, what to think, and whatever. It's fucking driving me insane. Okay people, I'm a nice person and all, but that doesn't mean I don't have my own thoughts, so fuck off, kthanks. Hmm, so I'm really bad when it comes to talking about myself. It seems I base my life on how others make me feel, and what they see in me. Probably because I've never been made important enough to be talked about, even in my own mind. Oh well, I guess. There's not much I can do about it, really. Things have been like this my whole life, so it seems almost impossible to change. College couldn't have come at the worst possible time. In my eyes, everything in my social life is the best it's ever been, but in a few weeks I have to leave it all behind. My friends and I are the closest ever, trusting eachother with our lives and having fun every night. Not even just my social life. Holy crap, I have a job, what!? Why am I the only one leaving Omaha? I think I'm just upset I'm being sent to the unfamiliar without my best friends by my side. I'm also going to have to get used to not seeing Brian as often. From seeing him practically every day, to MAYBE every weekend is going to be super hard. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over it and things will be fine. There are a few things scaring me a little bit though. Only on one other occassion has someone I ACTUALLY liked, liked me back, and obviously we all know how that one went. So a lot of things are scaring me right now in that aspect. I'm in the middle of the phase where I try to find something wrong, just so I can run away before things get...bad? I don't really know what happens this far in because I never stick around to find out. In the back of my mind I worry that he's still in love with his ex. Seeing a picture of them together on his phone, then her baby picture makes me jealous. Not because there's pictures of them together and such. But for the feeling I think is still there. Like, why does he still keep them? And the more sensible part of me is like, because they're still friends you idiot, but another park of me can't help but think there's still some feeling. And I don't know if there is...my mind is set to think the worst in situations like this. He tells me they barely talk any more, but come on, I'm a girl. I suppose it doesn't help his mindset at all either, with all I just said in the beginning of this entry. I wish I knew what he was thinking. That would make things easier. But I guess it wouldn't make everything worth it anymore, without the troubles of getting to know eachother the way we should. 
If anyone reading this knows me at all, you know it's really weird that I actually typed this much in one entry. You know it's weird that I even typed something that is even an inch deep in thought. I like my mask. People know I never really say what's on my mind. Hmm, it was super hard. This will probably be gone in the morning, and replaced with "Life is awesome."  |
